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How to Not Be a Jerk at a St. Louis Cardinals Game

By Riverfront Times Staff on Fri, Mar 22, 2019 at 7:50 pm

It’s almost time, St. Louis. Time for sunshine and hot nights and a full season of Cardinals baseball. In order to maximize everyone’s enjoyment at Busch Stadium, let’s go over some basic manners. Because, honestly, some of “the best fans in baseball” could use a refresher course.

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Don't ever get up out of your seat while your team is batting.

Photo credit: Paul Sableman / Flickr

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Don't get up while the other team is batting, either, unless it's between batters. (And make it snappy.)

Photo credit: Paul Sableman / Flickr

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Don't leave before the game is over. If you call yourself a baseball fan, stay until the bitter end, dammit. What's the point of seeing a game without seeing who actually won? Don't even try the "traffic" excuse. This is St. Louis. It'll take you 30 minutes to get home even if you live in Chesterfield.

Photo credit: Paul Sableman / Flickr

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Don't wear any shirt color other than red. (Okay, white is acceptable, but red is preferred. Blue? What are you, a Cubs fan??)

Photo credit: Paul Sableman / Flickr

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Don't arrive late if you have decent seats, thereby tempting somebody else to commandeer your decent seats and setting up an awkward situation. And if you have arrived late and see that somebody has upgraded their shitty seats by taking your better seats, please pretend to be mildly confused while looking at your ticket so that they may join you in pretending there has been some mistake and slink away with some dignity.

Photo credit: Paul Sableman / Flickr

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Don't be an idiot during the national anthem. Put your hand over your heart or take a knee or whatever you want to do, but don't be that guy who is just yapping the whole time.

Photo credit: Paul Sableman / Flickr

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Don't just stand up for the 7th inning stretch -- actually sing it. Engage in the goofy-ass traditions. Give in to the spirit of the thing.

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Don't stretch out and scratch your junk. This isn't your living room. Leave the ball-play to the ball-players.

Photo credit: Paul Sableman / Flickr

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Don't complain about the beer prices. They're just like gas prices — you're going to pay them anyway.

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Don't drink too many baseball beers and then drunk drive yourself home. It should go without saying, but let's face it: It doesn't.

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Don't spend the whole game playing with your phone. You can do that at home.

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Don't try to start the wave. Repeatedly.

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Don't play your radio loudly during the game. If you want the play-by-play, use headphones.

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Don't let your kids kick the chairs in front of them. In fact, don't bring your kids at all unless they can behave themselves.

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Don't open a huge damn umbrella to shield yourself from the sun or a little bit of rain. Try a freakin' baseball cap instead.

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Don't forget to share the love. Sunscreen, popcorn... edibles. Be a hero to your row and share your treats with your neighbors.

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Don't disrespect America's pasttime by calling out inappropriate (or evil and racist) insults to the other team. Creative insults are fine; other types are just rude.

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Don't talk loudly about politics in the ballpark. We came here to share a common interest, not to figure out who here agrees with us and who here's a goddamn Communist. And MAGA hats are not Cardinal red.

Photo credit: Paul Sableman / Flickr

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