St. Louis' Signature Foods: a Countdown

We all love pork steak, Provel and toasted ravioli, but which do we love best? After rigorous research and careful scientific analysis, we are pleased to announce the only definitive ranking of St. Louis foods that you will ever need. Save it, study it and prepare to think about local food in a whole new way.

Written by Alec Herr
Red Hot Riplets photo by Jaime Lees

#8 Pork steaks

What makes them great: The first time you bite into a tender piece of BBQ pork steak can be life-changing. You'll find yourself wondering why pork isn't beating out both chicken and beef as the most commonly consumed meat in America. Pork steaks are a luxury in the world of tailgates and barbecues, and we pity anyone who hasn't been lucky enough to try them. Photo by Shutterstock/ff-photo

Why they're ranked last: Unfortunately, as good as pork steak is, it is problematic as hell. First, it's a pain in the ass to cook; pork steaks have a lot more protein than beef steaks, which means cooking has to be much longer and slower to break down the tissue, and unless you drown it in BBQ sauce, the meat can be disappointingly tough. And not only are pork steaks considered a cheap, fatty cut of meat, they've also been implicated in homicide. Proceed with caution. Photo courtesy of Shutterstock / Barsan ATTILA.

#7 Red Hot Riplets®

What makes them great: If Flamin' Hot Cheetos® had a baby with BBQ Lays®, that baby would wish it tasted even half as good as Red Hot Riplets®. Many a St. Louis high school student has left the area for college, only to be confronted with the sad reality of no longer having these spicy slices of ruffled heaven in every vending machine. The heat/sweet combination mixed with the thick-cut, fresh-tasting potato chip make it a perfect snack food and the ideal chip for any St. Louis BBQ. Photo by Mabel Suen

Why they aren't the best: Let's not kid ourselves: These chips are fucking hot. And that's putting it lightly. It's not like tortilla chips or Cheez-its® where you can accidentally finish a whole family bag in one sitting; you'd need about five glasses of milk and two sticks of celery to take down a large bag of Red Hot Riplets®. Some say that's what makes them great, but the competition here is fierce: Other St. Louis food stuffs can surely paint the Riplets' searing strength as a liability. Photo by Alec Herr.

#6 Gooey Butter Cake

What makes it great: It's easy and cheap to make, it tastes amazing, and it cuts easily without making a mess, which means you can cut it into squares and nobody in the family can argue about having gotten a smaller piece than anyone else. The signature dessert of the city is a classic among St. Louis households, and although it was created by mistake, it's probably the best mistake we've ever made. Photo by Thomas Bohlen.

Why it's not the best: In terms of St. Louis' contribution to the culinary world, gooey butter cake definitely made its mark. In the pantheon of great desserts, however, it falls a little short. Gooey butter cake is delicious and it makes you feel great, but it really is one of those "every once in a while" desserts like fudge or tequila. Not to mention, "gooey" is kind of a horrendous adjective for food, so that doesn't help. Photo courtesy of Lubeley's Bakery.

#5 Provel

What makes it great: Where do we even start with Provel cheese? Transplants are frequently baffled at how they've lived an entire cheese-loving life without ever coming across this miraculous creation. Natives can't imagine how they'd do without. This marvel of science earns bonus points by serving two purposes: It's both the go-to cheese for pizza and the ingredient that makes any salad 400,000 times better. Don't argue; any true St. Louisan will acknowledge its truth. Photo courtesy of Instagram / saicalgirl.

Why it isn't the best: We have to face the facts: although this cheese has saved countless dishes and transformed pizza into a regional treasure, it remains just a topping (and kind of a Frankensteinian one at that). On its own it isn't bad (don't act like you've never eaten a string of Provel by itself), but it's hardly a must-eat. RFT photo.

#4 St. Louis-Style Ribs

What makes them great: There is a reason Kansas City barbecue mavens prefer St. Louis-style ribs over the "baby back" alternative: a higher meat-to-rib ratio and a more tender cut. When you have people in other cities asking for anything St. Louis-style, you know you're doing something right. (You don't always see that with St. Louis pizza.) Photo by Ian Froeb.

Why they're not the best: No matter how they're cut, the fact remains that both St. Louis-style ribs and baby back ribs are both ribs, and they're both awesome. It's not hard to enjoy either style. Some may also complain that St. Louis-style ribs require about an hour more to be smoked and cooked properly, but to that we just say with greater care and preparation come obviously greater outcomes. Photo courtesy of Flickr / bitslammer.

#3 St. Louis Pizza

What makes it great: Here we are in the top three, and what better way to introduce the three best St. Louis foods than with the local take on one of America's favorite meals: Pizza. Here in St. Louis, we do it differently. We replace the mozzarella cheese with Provel (amazing), we make the crust ultra-thin so that it cooks quicker and is always crispy on the edges and the bottom (love that), and then it's cut into squares instead of slices so you feel like you're eating less because the pieces are smaller (genius!). Any St. Louisan can describe to you the glorious experience of eating an Imo's pizza, but you really need to try it yourself to understand fully. RFT photo.

Why it's not the best: There are some people in this world who will complain that there is too much cheese, too little sauce, or too thin of crust. Luckily those people aren't the majority in St. Louis and you don't have to associate with them; however, their complaints are somewhat valid. Also, if you buy a frozen St. Louis pizza at the store and make it at home, there is a 40-second window between undercooking it and burning the hell out of it. We'd prefer a more expansive margin for error. Photo courtesy of Flickr / Liza Lagman Sperl.

#2 Ted Drewes Frozen Custard

What makes it great: You know you're doing something right when you've been named by multiple sources as the best place to get ice cream in America. And when Bobby Flay himself calls your product the best ice cream he's ever had, you've definitely earned some bragging rights. Ted Drewes Frozen Custard has been in the hearts of St. Louisans since the 1930s. Ted Drewes himself is the closest thing to a superhero St. Louis has ever seen, and concretes are his weapon of choice to fight hunger, sadness and any other ice cream that aspires to greatness. Photo courtesy of Flickr / Philip Leara.

Why it's not the best: This decadent St. Louis treat just barely missed the top spot, and it suffers from the same flaw as St. Louis-style ribs: No matter what, ice cream is going to be good. Never fear, we are very aware of the difference in quality between Ted Drewes and its competitors, but a frozen custard is still going to be awesome, no matter where you get it. Ted Drewes frozen custard will just always be better. Photo courtesy of Instagram / WordOfMouth.

#1 Toasted Ravioli

Why it's the best: So we've made it to the top of the list, the No. 1 spot and the St. Louis food of all foods: toasted ravioli. Only in St. Louis could someone take an idea as seemingly unappealing as deep-fried pasta and turn it into the official state appetizer. This combination of meat, bread and dipping sauce is what we all dream about when we're hungry, a food good enough to earn its own nickname. And is there ever a bad version anywhere? Even the lousiest kitchen can't fuck this one up.

Just when you thought pasta couldn't get any better, St. Louis breaded it and threw it in a fryer and created one of the most wonderful foods in the country. Thank you St. Louis, and thank you, toasted ravioli. Thank you for everything. Photo courtesy of Shutterstock / Niki C.

Why it isn't the best: It is.

Our only criticism: If you run out of marinara, you're fucked.